As you can (no longer, as it's been edited) see in the title, this is my first diary here, though I've been commenting, recommending, and rating for awhile now, and have been lurking and reading for even longer.  I've been trying to write diaries, but keep giving up due to in part to being a horrible perfectionist, and to how hard it is to dig deep into the issues I care about without wanting to just run away crying and screaming, or to get so angry that all I can do is curse (which I try to avoid doing here).   But I feel the need to contribute to the site.  I need to turn my anger into something useful, and after everything that's happened in the past 6 years, I feel like I've hit a breaking point. So I'm going to write about it.  I'm sure it'll be disjointed, unpolished, that when it comes time to press the button to post it, I'll be terrified...but I have to write it anyway.